Today is the 13th December 2013. 

Disappointments. 

When would they ever end, oh boy. And they often come just when you least expect it, making it worse or perhaps that's the whole idea. 

I am not someone who talks a lot, even amongst my own family, but that doesn't mean I'm not engaging myself into the conversations around. I still listen but I hate talking unnecessarily, and most of the time, I realized I've made the right choice. All these while when I thought my new colleagues were oh-so-welcoming and hey-you'd-fit-in-just-right, I was wrong. It goes to show where I stand when they leave me out on a birthday surprise. I was right there at my desk. Now it disgust me when I recall all the laughter and lunch time together all these while. 

Thanks, but no thanks, I prefer those who'd just treat me like a stranger than those who smile and share jokes with but don't really count you in. 

Working in a big firm, I guess, this is just the start to seeing the real world. It's devastating to see how the corporate world has burnt away basic humanity. I have come to realise that physical looks does impact the way you get treated, let alone those who are obviously different from normal. When mistakes happen and you're ugly, you'll get shouted at, told off straight in the face or even rejected without having a chance to start your very first word of explanation. But when you're average to good looking, people play politics. They'll say it's okay, they'll tell you what to do if it happens again, they'll let the whole world know you did wrong and cc e-mails to the big bosses. Well literally the ugly people get the scoldings and the politics back to back. Perhaps people don't realize how they react differently or sometimes it's too late, but apologies don't cost money. 

And I feel sad for them, because the least I could do is to treat them differently myself, respect their differences and be equal. 

How often do we stop and feel for people at the receiving end? All the harsh words they hear, all the body language they see and all the emotions swelling up to our replies. 

I just wish I would have one best of the best bff, whom, I could share all my thoughts with, one who knows all my dirty little secrets and I wouldn't have to worry about texting her all the time even if she's with bf or other great friends. Coz we would be each other's only bff. 

Today is the 31st October 2013, and I will be a bride in exactly one week's time. This customary thing, feels different. 

I'm scared. Afraid of what will tie me down this time.

Somehow, I wish I had the guts to do what I really want. Pleasing others is a different life from what I thought I had in mind. How long can I please someone? How long can I afford to please someone? 

It's my life, my choice, but I'm doing everything differently solely for the sake of not being selfish and doing what makes most people around me happy and feel good that I have a good and safe path to walk on for the rest of my life. 

But somehow, I don't want it to be entirely this way. I wanna take risks, I wanna take chances that people tell me that I'm going to regret. I wanna put faith in things that people refuse to agree with. 

Having faith in being healthy again does not matter to me, because people age and will die. Death is not fearful, it's the separation that people desperately wanna avoid.

I wanna feel danger again. My life used to be colorful with danger, but it's only grey now. Everything is.. grey...

Today is the 20th August 2013. 

I'm a horoscope of Gemini, and never would I doubt myself if I am one. From the first time I ever read about the characteristic of a Gemini, I'm fully aware that it was right. 

I cannot help but agree that people of Gemini indeed has dual personalities. It's hard living with two personalities because the choices you make affects the other. In my case, my two personalities are of extreme cases. I'm now living the personality of the simple and happily ever after, and damn right it's suffocating at the same time suppressing the personality of the other - the life living in the city, chic, lush, party going and never worrying about love because marriage is out of the question.

While I was in my teenage years, party and New York was all I ever think about. It was the best years I've live so far. Dangerous indeed, but never quite unhappy. And then things change. I can never stop myself from revolving about these topics. Because it was what I wanted most. 

Dreams being dreams, let's be realistic and settle down. Yes, I've got it done. 

It's probably one of the hardest things in life trying to get settle down. Because it's very difficult living with someone else for the rest of your life when two have very different mind set and living styles. So what if you love each other? I love my sister too but I don't like sharing room with her coz she always sleeps late, have a huge ass loud alarm ringtone and keeps the light on when she sleeps. If siblings can violently reject to share rooms, let alone lovers. 

I can't help but realize how different we are whenever we have an argument or whenever I get pissed off cleaning up the house, like right now.

It's lame to vent it on a blog I totally know, but I just hate it when I see your race packs and cigarette butts piled up like a fucking trash place. Two personalities, and I know the other side of me would never go through this kinda shit.  

今天是六月二十七，先在是午夜十二点零九分。不知为何睡不了，只知道心里好难受。

记得小时候有一年，自己亲手做给妈妈的生日卡，里头写了我对兄弟姐妹的各自想法。妈妈看了似乎很喜欢，从此把生日卡收在文件夹里。

今天，我依然想把各自兄弟姐妹们留一些话，但不是我各自的想法，而是我想对他们说的心里话。不单单是兄弟姐妹，爸爸妈妈，还有你。

我想对爸爸说:

爸，这几十年来，辛苦你了。我知道为了养家，您不段的在打工赚钱。即使现实世界是多么的残忍无情，你还是硬着头皮为我们带来家用。你老了，很遗憾我到了这个年纪，因为病情还得依靠你，不能给你有好一些的日子过。我始终为了这件事感到很惭愧。但无论如何，我希望你能安心，我会照顾我自己。你是我永远伟大的爸爸，我爱你。

我想对妈妈说:

妈，你也辛苦了。我们都长大了，试着放手吧。日夜的担心是时候停了。说了会听，终会看得出改变。说了听不进，只能让命运安排明白的时机。过多的强求，有时候换来的反而是不想看到的返效果。我相信我们每一个都认同有你这妈妈是我们前世修来的福气。同样的，我感到很遗憾，因为病情让你多次担心流泪。所以请你放心，我还在努力学习自己生活的健健康康。我爱你。

我想对大姐说:

妈妈曾经说过，如果你只剩下最后一片金牌，你不会给其他人，你会给我们兄弟姐妹。我相信这一点。很多时候，你认为不说，我们就不担心。但你彻彻底底的错了。你不说，但我们都看得出，反而更担心。

有时候，当我们插手做出你不喜欢的事，你要记得，我们都会担心彼此。到底说，我们插手的原因，出发点都是为你好的。

我想对二姐说:

虽然脾气是好很多很多，可是当事情发生时，坏脾气还是一样。不要老把公平挂在嘴边，公平由老天决定。有些事是公平不了的，就像如果你要大象，猴子，鱼，狮子和鸟爬树，根本都公平不了因为各自有各自的优点和缺点。

有因就有果，公平的惩罚由不得我们做决定。老天自有安排。

我想对妹妹说:

长大了。你依然那么固执。对，有时候你的理由是好的，但不是每个人的看法或想法都和你一样。你不说出你的看法，别人往往认定你没话说了。很多时候，你的所做所谓出发点都是为人好。但是缺乏交代，别人往往就认定你是个不负责任的人。

你虽然自立，但始终让妈妈担心。妈妈不会永远在世，要懂得问候和珍惜。

我想对弟弟说:

你好懂事，妈妈最疼你了。老担心你是否能自立。日夜心疼你没什么朋友，电脑游戏玩的太多。我知道你担心家里，但如果你也能求神拜佛，妈妈就放心多了。

我想对你说:

我已经不期望你能带给我什么了。说心疼也好，说放弃也罢，这几年来的吵吵闹闹，我要的是什么? 是你每天的注意。而换来的是你每天放工回来坐在沙发上不停的回复手机简讯，玩游戏和看电视剧的结果。我似乎每天坐在沙发旁都觉得被忽略。好失望。

我累了。我不想再像一条狗似的等待你有空或有难才留意到我。我不想在问东问西，不会里你太多，免得又让自己失望伤心。

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Today is the 4th June 2013. Things felt a little different when one's expectation changes. I won't say it changed entirely overnight, but at least I felt there were changes.

I've stop expecting you to do things like I used to, at least these two days. Sometimes when it failed and I get angry, I'll only take a deep breathe and tell myself that hey, I thought I said stop expecting?

And there are many things I would expect from you everyday, small little things that may not even matter that means a lot to me. 

A few times, I would miss how everything used to be, and reach out for a hug. You never did knew, did you? That every hug I reached out to get from you meant something, that each hug was a comfort to something that's on my mind. 

I'm looking forward to being happier, I couldn't be bothered anymore. 

And I will visit New York City this year for Christmas and New Year. 

Today is the 3rd June 2013. I was just thinking, that all these are getting too tiring and painful. 

Maybe I should learn from my lessons all these while and stop expecting. If there is... there is, if there isn't, so be it.

It's time to wake up and live my own life, and you can go do whatever makes you happy.

Today is the 2nd June 2013. You just came home from a full marathon and resting, but I couldn't stay in bed, so I woke up. What I'm feeling now, is that I should have gone out last night. I could have, but last night I chose to stay home.

I hate the way everything is right now.

It's like everything is slowly moving back to square one. You, looking at your phone all the time, playing games, replying texts. And I just HATES it when you do anything that involves that bitch I hate - Yam Yam Sim. Yes, I will name her here and tell you how much I hate her.

I don't care if we really know each other or not but she's too flirty for a female friend. Yeah, in your terms she is friendly and open, but in MY terms she is flirty because she crossed certain boundaries which I have not seen any female friends done it before. I don't like the way she gets so close to guys when she talks and slap them on the arm and laughs. No, not guy, is guysssss. I don't like the way she talks. I don't like how she must ALWAYS tags the guys on Facebook when there's a run coming up and say oh good luck guys, let's do this together and hey, you can do it, all the best. And wears make up to a marathon? Please just fuck the shit off!

Oh and for your information, each and everytime I see her name? I clearly remembers how you lied to me without blinking.

And I know that you're just ignoring things I post on Facebook sometimes. I don't care. For all I know you can ignore all you want, and when things really happen. You can get angry and shout at me like you've never done it before and we quarrel and we end everything. And then I'll move to new york and we live separately. Isn't that better? No one controls you with who you treat as a friends, no one complains about your habits? We can just do what we want?

I'm sick and tired of worrying and expecting things to happen!

I can guarantee you right now that I am currently losing interest in ALL the things and I don't fucking care if I live or die, married or single, or whether my sister has been raped.

I don't wanna care anymore. I'm gonna live my own life.

Today is the 1st May 2013. Days have been passing too fast and every week comes and goes like the clouds in the sky. But there was one thing in particular that I haven't been able to get it off my mind all these while. Despite the heavy workload at work, despite the love company I have at home, and the phone conversations with friends and people, it's surprising that alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes still hang on to my mind so tight. 

I made myself promise that it would be the last when I went to the after party on the night of the company's D&D. It started off with a strong determination and motivation and I managed to push away a couple of clubbing sessions and cigarettes offer. Every weekend nights wasn't a problem even though it was still on my mind. Then the stress from work came in, and the disappointments from job hunting came in, and the weekend nights became more horrible to live. 

I never knew I would be so reliant on alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes to free my stress level. Every time I made myself promise to stop, I did, but no doubts after one month the craving would kick in again. And the craving gets heavier and heavier until eventually, I don't look forward to weekends anymore. Because weekends are suffering times for me. Fridays are better because I get tired from work during the day, and I fall asleep fast at night, and at times I wake up at 3 am in the morning to pee and I would cry myself back to sleep. Waking up at 3 am? It's suicidal, because if I were in the club at 3 am, it would probably be the best part of the clubbing session yet. 

And then comes Saturday morning, if I get awake at 7 am, I would try and get back to sleep because that's the time I would reach home if I'm out partying. And I would continue to make myself go back to sleep, for as long as I could. Well, literally every part of the weekend, my mind is on 'what would I be doing now if I did my usual clubbing'.

I would never say I regretted turning bad, because I learn from being bad and it helped me made choices I'd never thought I would knew which one I would choose. But I just hope that this craving would stop because I can no longer afford to be playful and carefree. Things changed and the rule of the game changes too. 

This thrill seeking, attention grabbing, addictive hobby, has to stop. I need it to stop. And that was why I wanted to go see a shrink, because this issue is so disturbing nothing else seems to catch my interest anymore.

And yes, I haven't drank any alcohol, stepped into any clubs or smoked any cigarettes since the 6th March 2013. I have been good so far, 'suffering-ly' good.

ZZZZ... sigh! ;(

Today is the 8th March 2013. 

I just wanna migrate to New York. I wanna live life my way; do what i want.

What do you want? 

You have all my attention, ask yourself, how many times have i rant about you and your phone and your stupid games and whatever shit i don't wanna care anymore.

No doubts i ever really wanted to end this all, i have thought about it a couple of times and i asked myself. 'Is this all worth it? Giving up New York for all these?' I held on, and on and on. Yeah i was happy, but when sadness come, nothing ever compares to how low i would feel and it's devastating! It's like the happiness i got never got to reach as extreme as my sadness could reach. 

''Love what the two have in common and respect the differences.'' 

And i'm gonna say this again, i'm not gonna have any child until you quit smoking.